This is not a fun post; you’ve been forewarned.
I’ve been trying to be upbeat this whole week, but every other hour or so I can’t help but have certain thoughts pop into my mind, just like the thought that first came to my mind when I woke up this morning. That is what a loser I am to have totally shit on a person that loved and cared about me so deeply and put all of their faith and trust in me. I keep trying to just move forward, and I know he’s trying too, but every time I look at him and see the sadness, disappointment, hurt, disgust and sense of betrayal I just can’t move forward-and feel like I don’t even deserve to.
I know that he’ll get over it and move on with or without me eventually. In the mean time, I just need to suck it up and deal with it. I did this. I and only I am the one who chose to be sneaky and deceitful. I refuse to lay blame on anyone or anything else-not on boredom, not on events from the past, not on a disease. Sure there is a genetic pre-disposition-but I still have nobody to blame but myself.
I have so many thoughts in my head like why did I have to drink that last weekend, why did he have to pick up that box, why did I have to start drinking again almost 4 years ago? But none of that really matters now. I did what I did-and I can’t change that.
I know that many people support me, including John, but it can’t make that all go away.
I am moving on the best I can. I will be reading my “Big Book” (the book of AA), this weekend, and meditating, and not drinking. That is all I can do for now.
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7 comments:
Morning Honey
I think it is important to put the shoe on the other foot and think about how you would feel if John had let you down the way you feel you have let him down.
If he was deeply sorry for his behaviour and was taking courageous steps to make improvements, could you find it in your heart to forgive him?
You should forgive yourself in the same way.
We are all vulnerable, scarred and bruised by our decisions and our behaviour. But it is our very vulnerability that makes us worthy of love.
Love yourself with all your faults. You don't need to be 'good' enough to deserve love.
Once you can accept the bad feelings and let them go, then you will attract the positive, joyful changes you want in your life.
Be grateful that you have found the strength to deal with your issues and know that every day will get better.
If complete strangers on the internet feel nothing but love and respect for you, imagine how much more love you have from those who know you.
Feel worthy, feel accepted, and love yourself because you are a wonderful and unique spirit who has amazing gifts to share.
♥
Here, here Katie.
What she wrote is exactly right.
Please don't be too hard on yourself Raechelle. EVERYONE makes mistakes. You can't change the past, only mend today and in the future. Instead of thinking of the negatives (why), think of the positives you've made happen this week (blogging, AA, reading, meditating, not drinking).
Now, go and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what a beautiful person you are, how strong you are both mentally and physically, how well you are doing.
Always remember that each day is a new opportunity. God, I'm starting to sound like my shrink!!
KatieP said it all.
Just know that John loves you... if he didn't he would have walked by now.
Try and have a good weekend mate.
Thank you all-yes, we are working it through, had a good talk this arvo-he's having the ups and downs just as I am-but of course from a different angle.
I'm sure that much of this mornings post was also due to being hormonal :-)
Thansk so much girls! It really does help to have online counselling!
Raechelle.
Hello there my new friend ive never met personally!Im in the same situation as your husband is!My lovely wife of seven weeks is the most beautiful woman ive ever met!It hurts when she doubts our relationship saying i dont love her when shes had 2 or 3 bottle of wine a night!She has started to go cold turkey and has her up and down days but no matter what i support her very much.It does make me sad when she wakes up and says i dont want to drink anymore but when work finishes theres 4 bottle shops on the way home, and up until last week there was 2 bottles at least in the fridge ,with beer tallys there for me to,so that wont make her feel bad if she has a drink!I was medically discharged in the defence force 7 years ago due to a bad accident in the Army so my work life has been up and down!!I was a 128 kgs 4 years ago so i decided to stop punishing myself and start training,after a year i was employed at the gym on the goldcoast which was great cos it has saved my life!I do have a son who is 12 and o want to be a good role model for him, but now and then he says "dad how long are you going to stay at this job for?Which is a huge concern to me as the military was stability and civvie street is hard!The best thing about working at the gym was i believe in changing mine, and other peoples lives,the worst is the salary was $28000... not good for a 40 year old.so now i have to leave that for something more financial.my wife supports me in now changing jobs again as i support her no matter what if she trys to stop drinking!Take little steps,& live each day if it was your last!!The best thing about yesterday is,its yesterday and gone,Tomorrow well thats tomorrow.Live the morning then the afternoon and embrace the evening when your together!The best thing about falling down is we pick ourselves back up again and move on,im sure if your husband has been with you for so long he will support you no matter what!If you see sadness and guilt in his eyes!it is because he sees you hurting and that makes him sad and all he wants to do is make you happy and strong and determined!!He doesnt put blame on you he wants to help you!!Us blokes react like that,women think they have betrayed or pissed us off for drinking etc but we just want to protect you and make our wives feel loved and special again thru tough times!!he propably thinks he has failed you cos as we men think we shouldve stepped in and said enough is enough!!But you know what its called LIFE!!We make good ans bad decisions but most of all is we learn and improve on it!1st of all LOVE YOURSELF for what you have achieved,SMILE and look around what you have!!I would so love for you and you husband to meet sharon and i.
Sharons on a quest to get fit and stay off the wine and i well im trying to hold a job down more that 2 years LOL.No Matter what now ive seen it 1st hand,its not an easy road for anyone to break a habit but the best thing is your support network>Would love to hear from you both one day.Justin and Sharon Dont forget SMMMIIILLLLLEEEE its for free and contagious :)
Thank you for sharing your story Justing and thank ou for the support!
I'm a bit of a lurker. I am a heavy binge drinker too, staying off of it for 5 months though, due to this new life of fitness and eating. All this and steering clear of the alcohol has done wonders for me and my partner Anthony no end! the depression goes so quickly....Only had two times where it still seems I can't put the bottle down ie can't stop at two. However, just wanted to say that I wanted to write something earlier this morning, in agreeance with Justin a bit i suppose in that what you saw in your hubby might not actually be what he is thinking or feeling. You are not alone, you are loved, you are supported, and special and you will get through all of this and come out of it a stronger woman. And I hope with John too.
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