Hi, my name is Raechelle and I am an alcoholic.
Well-I probably lost at least ½ of my followers with that statement. But that is ok. It was damn hard and I did it-and am pretty much in tears, again-as I write it. But it’s out there-and it’s who I am.
Yes, readers-I am an alcoholic and I have been for many years. I have struggled with this addiction on and off for 15 years. Have almost broke up with John many times over that 15 year period because of it-and may still break up….that is another issue-there are many factors involved here..
The fact is it all came to a head Monday-he found that I had been hiding it from him for almost 4 years now. I needed that. I’m actually glad that it happened.
I have lied to myself, I have lied to him, and I have been lying to everyone-including blogland-by keeping this secret. Many would say I’m a complete hypocrite for writing a fitness blog, telling other people about how to be fit, I think I’ve even written a blog about the evils of alcohol! But-I have been in complete denial to myself; convinced that the next corner will be the last one to pass and I then will quit.
Why am I writing this today?
Why am I putting myself out there on the line?
Two reasons, one is a step in recovery is admitting the problem and I’ve been admitting it to myself, to John, to friends and family back home-but feel the need to put it here as well-to be honest and apologize.
As well as admission, I’m looking into getting help-and well-maybe someone out there has been in this situation-or is going through this and the more doors I have open, to let people in, the more I can help myself.
Also, maybe I can help someone else to admit to themselves that they have a problem.
One thing that I have to say is that I truly am a fitness enthusiast-and because of this I think it has kept some of the common other diseases that come from alcohol abuse at bay because of my otherwise healthy lifestyle of healthy eating and regular exercise.
Having said that though, it’s possible that some of my ailments, muscle tears etc, could be due to the alcohol.
As I said above, I’m sure many will click off from this blog-and that is understandable. It’s not a fun thing to read about. This will still be a fitness blog-but with more focus now on my journey through alcohol recovery.
So-my plan of attack (I am still a Virgo-so I do have a plan!), well I’ve been doing step one; soul searching & coming to terms with admitting my problem to myself and others. I have quit a number of times over the years-but never really THOUGHT I had a problem-so never really admitted to a problem-and therefore never sought out help.
2-research, research, research…I am learning as much as I can about the disease this time and the various programs available.
3-I will start to attend AA meetings this week-my first one is tonight.
4-I will go to my GP and tell her that I am an alcoholic and that I want whatever tests she feels necessary to see if I have done any unseen damage. I have had liver tests-even one earlier this year, which came out perfectly fine-and I think they would have seen something then-if it’s out of whack-it’s out of whack-right? But John thinks if I tell the GP about my addiction they may look at something else. So-I will do that.
5. I will continue to eat healthy and workout-that will not change.
6. I will not drink today.
That is it so far.
If you are still reading this-I hope you continue to follow-who knows maybe you know someone that is having this problem-and maybe eventually I can help them. Right now this is my journey to recovery.
If you click off fine-but please don’t leave any nasty comments-I will just delete them anyway.
Feel free to ask any questions, I’m pretty much an open book now; but again, please be nice.
School Lunches Made This Child Sick
17 hours ago
35 comments:
I haven't been keeping up with the blogs... and when I do I don't always take the time to comment... unless I feel a strong sense to say something. I want to say I'm with you on this one... I don't have a Dad and because of drugs and alcohol... and sometimes I could really use a Dad. Do what you have to do to beat this shit... I support you all the way... This is your battle... who cares what anyone thinks... all that matters is that you beat this shit...That's all that matters...HUGE HUGS!!!!
That must have been incedibly hard for you to write. But now its out there, you've taken the first step. I don't really have any experience here but I do know that you need to find what is driving your addiction. You definatley need help to dig deep into your soul to find this. What about hypnotherapy. I wish you all the very best and even though I don't know you , you have my support. You CAN win this battle.
Hi honey
Alcoholic, drug addict, food obsession, whatever - we all have "secrets" and you are still you - a beautiful soul who deserves love, peace and happiness in her life.
Please don't be too hard on yourself. Life is tough! And don't you dare apologize to blog land. Admission and getting help is the first step babe and just take one step at a time.
I'm here for you!
PS I hid from my husband, family & friends smoking for years. So....personal trainer who smokes? hyprocrite!! Luckily I just quit a bit over a week ago. So you see - I ain't no goody two shoes.
Stay strong.
We all have our secrets and our flaws that we hide from the world. You are amazingly courageous to reveal your darker side.
All I have is respect, love and support for you and wish you well on this journey to healing.
♥
I'm sending you all of the supportive thoughts and encouragement that I can. You CAN beat this! Believe me, we ALL have our demons that we struggle with-the difference between you and most people out there is that you have been brave enough to share yours. Be encouraged! Although you may never have met some of us, you have people out here in Blog Land that are pulling for you.
brave post - congratulations to you for having the cojones to take your first step to recovery.
anyone who hangs shit on you for being honest, or for having a flaw is an idiot.
anyone who stops reading your blog can go directly to hell in my opinion.
stay strong! big hugs! xoxo
That took guts Raechelle! You know that honesty is always the best policy even if it hurts and you've done the right thing. Very few people have the integrity and courage to do what you have done so there are positives.
You are not alone, hell my emotional flaw is turning to alcohol as you know already know after last year. I'm not here to judge you in any way shape for form, I'm here to support you in any way that I can Rachelle.
You've done and are doing the right thing for you and that's all that matters.
Lia xxx
Good for you hon, that took guts. *big hug*
Knock me over with a feather!
GF, I'm proud of you for taking this public. I was dismayed when I saw your last post about closing down the blog, wondering if everything is ok. Glad this is something you're gonna take on head to head. Bringing it to public eyes was probably a hard thing to do but good for you for taking that step.
"just for today. just for today." That little mantra has gotten me a lot of places I may not otherwise have gotten...
good luck. I'm watching.. and pulling for you!
xo
GWNN
Thank you all so much! I'm overwhelmed with all of the support and do so very much appreciate it. I am glad I put it out there-having it out there can only help me to once and for all stay on track.
Thank you again!
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot Change. Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
I spent many years attending Alanon meetings trying to recover from an alcoholic and mentally ill father. Perhaps John could go along to an Alanon meeting to help him through this journey?
Hugs to you both. You've done the first step. It is always the hardest one. Day at a time Raechelle. xxx
True friends won't ever judge you, only support you, encourage you and stand by you. If people turn their back on you then they either weren't your true friends in the first place, or are hiding demons of their own and cannot face them or you when you decided to do something about yours.
I have had 2 friends overcome this and you can too. You are a strong woman who has the capability to do anything she sets her mind to.
Be strong and we will all try to help you the best we can xxx
Raechelle, I admire your candour and your honesty. You know, everyone has something that's going on.
Just don't be afraid to keep seeking more help. It's not something that is going to be fixed overnight (as you would know)but surrounding yourself with people that care is a great start.
Judge you? No way - empathy and support - yes and yes.
Hugs
Liz N
I am sitting here reading this with tears in my eyes. I am very proud of you for your strength. This has been a tough couple of days and I doubt the next few will be much easier but know this...your brothers, nieces, parents, sister in law and friends are here for you. We love you and believe in you.
What does not kill us, makes us stronger. I will call you on Thursday to see how things are going.
XOXO
Phil
Awesome post Raechelle. Good on you for having the guts to post this, and I am glad you did - I think it will help the healing process. Anyone that is put off by your honesty can stick it if you ask me. True friends will be here for you.
((Big hugs))
Vicki x
Hello Raechelle, this is a big and courageous step you have taken. We health freaks do have something embedded deep in us - discipline.
I'm adamant that you will kick this nasty habit with time and help. Lean on us, we're here as a global community through the bad times and the good. I seriously doubt you have lost any followers with this posting.
Chin up mate!
Babe, why would anyone stop reading your blog or think less of you?? Alcoholism is not a choice...it happens and you can deal with it or not deal with it. YOU are dealing with it now and you should hold your head high for that.
My dad was an alcoholic (I think I may have mentioned it on my blog already). He died at age 43. He did not deal with it. It's a terrible addiction. His mother and sister were also alcoholics so I think I can say I understand.
I am here any time and as everyone else am here to support you.
Much love
Frankie
Hi Raechelle
It took ALOT of courage for you to make such an admission, and I congratulate you on doing so. To steal your words...'KUDOS TO YOU'!
Why would we stop reading your blog? Your honesty and willingnesss to share your 'weaknesses' as well as your 'strengths', is what keeps us coming back and only serves to help those going through similar issues, as well as inspiring us to constantly better ourselves and 'keep it real'.
Boy...as I read this, it makes me all emotional inside. AW happened to write me a letter this morning, before leaving for his away trip. He's been to see a pyschotherapist, and the difficulty of admitting one's problems and seeking help is a bold, but welcome step, especially when you're the partner. It also signifies that when you love someone enough (and yourself), that all manner of things can be overcome.
All the best with your AA meeting tonight Raechelle and I look forward to hearing about you overcoming this next hurdle!
Kerry XOX
That took an awful lot of guts! I wish you all the best with your journey ahead.
Those that want to judge or don't like do not have to read!
You do what you have to do to get yourself to a better place.
By the looks of it you have a heap of support here in blogland.
Stay strong and good luck
Shar x
This is yoru blog to write what you want hun! Everyone here loves you for you and those that dont support you in your time of need dont deserve to be a part of your life. I think what you are doing is very courageous and i know you can and will beat this as you have already proven you have a strong mind and body by competing. Your BODY is a TEMPLE! Love it, treasure it, pamper it! Luv to you hun xoxox
I'll still be following :) I'm glad you could get this off your chest, must feel like a load off.
It's taken a hell of a lot of guts to do what you have done today, Rachelle, and I applaud you for that. I hope that you are able to work through this and come out a stronger person xoxo
Girl,
I so respect you for having the courage to face your issue. To admit it, to share it and to attack it.
You are awesome and you will win.
And I support you 100%.
XOXO
Hi Raechelle,
My name is Lou and I am an alcoholic and know what you are going through, I can't remember my when my last afd was.
I take my hat of to you.
Love and best wishes. I will follow your journey with you.
"WE CAN DO IT".
Lou
Raechelle, one day at a time. You have been so supportive of me, you are a good, kind person. You are not a hypocrite, you are human like the rest of us. MY BF is a health & fitness fanatic and smokes!
I have had depression since I was 16, and hid it from everyone except my closest family, I don't hide it anymore, I got treatment, take mediation, accepted that it is a part of me when I start to get that black cloud hanging around again, I get help and let family & friends know how I'm feeling and get through it. Being aware and accepting yourself is half the battle. I now get help far earlier than I used to and fortunately have not had a severe depressive episode for about 5 years.
You have many friends & family to support you. There are people to turn to if times get a bit rough and you need support. I wish you lots of support during your recovery.
YOU ROCK! I don't give a shit that you are an alcoholic.. shit I'm fat! Food is my addiction. You are one HELL of a brave woman for facing up to this... and god help anyone who gives you shit about it!
Day one of the rest of your life mate.
I think you are wonderful.... even if you do eat avocado! Ikkkky.
Wow, like Phil said, reading this brought tears to his eyes. After reading just the first sentence I had tears in my eyes, then after reading all of your supporters comments, now I'm sobbing! Who cares about people that may cancel your blog....I personally am going to read it all the time now! I will be sure to read it from home rather than at work though, in case the water works start again :)
I support you 100% in what you are doing and know you have the drive to succeed in anything you set your mind to. I look forward to hearing how your first AA meeting went.
Love ya, Me
I fixed my profile so it doesn't say "dissatisfied" anymore :)
Hi Sweet, you made the first step in recognising it. Your inner strength will get you through this and you will conquer it once and for all. You are so beautiful and I know you will come out the other side of your journey, ontop of the world. It just takes time, love and support so we're all here for you babe.
Jadey xxx
Hi my names LJ and I'm a drug addict. Or at least I was. For ten years. And I've been clean for almost thirteen years now.
You took a brave step putting this out there for all the world to see and like everyone else before me, I know you'll beat this and we'll be behind you every step of the way. Anything you need? You just yell and we'll come running.
As Frankie said, those that don't like it can sod off. Show me someone perfect and I'll show you a dreamer.
All my love
LJ
Raechelle first of all *big hug* that took guts. No ones perfect we all have our little secrets. I too am a genuine fitness enthusiast.... I love it but... I smoke. Stupid I know, but I am currently trying to quit...again.
I think asking for help is a great idea and I hope you get the help and support you need. You haven't lost me as a reader, I appreciate the "realness". You can do this and I will be here to offer comments of support and cheer! Now I am going to pray this comment goes through because blogger hates me lately.
Raechelle, you sure have a load of friends on the blogs. I saw your comment on my blog earlier. I am "on the road" for one more week, and as a result, have gotten faaar behind
in reading and commenting.
But I shall be reading you every day,
I mean GOSH! You need a couple alkies to check up on you--grin!
Raechelle
I have been a bit remiss of blogland for a couple of weeks and now reading through all my list.
I am in awe at your courage and candor. The strength to post, truly amazing and never would I have clicked the 'x'! Well done chicki, only better days from here on in.
Raechelle, I read your Blog from time to time. Just been catching up on some I haven't read and stumbled on this post.
You did an awesome thing putting your "secret" out there.
My father was an alcoholic...as a little girl I saw this loving gentle man who was always there for me. He died when I was 20, and I miss him every day. The fact that he was an alcoholic did not take from the fact that he was my dad and I wish he was still around.
All the very best in your journey to recovery.
Sandra
xxx
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