IF you are an alcoholic….

What does that mean? If. I’ve had a few comments by well-meaning folks using the IF word, (like “if you think you have a problem” or “if you’re an alcoholic”) so I thought I might share a few facts of my problem which tell me I AM an alcoholic; no if’s about it.

At the age of 19, my first merry-go-round was with cocaine. I quit and re-started that for about 5 or 6 years. I managed to keep it hidden from the world because I do have a naturally muscular body. I was living with my bodybuilder boyfriend-so I worked out at the gym and ate lots of chicken.

About the end of my cocaine “phase”, I started drinking alcohol to balance out the effects of the cocaine. When I started dating my new boyfriend (now husband) I switched entirely to alcohol. I did this for a couple of reasons-one of which was the fact that alcohol is legal, cocaine is not. I could buy alcohol at any grocery store in Arizona-so it was just easier to come by. I would sometimes start drinking in the morning. I would drink through the afternoon and bring alcohol to work-I worked at a night club. I soon realized myself that I had a problem and discussed it with John and decided to quit and attend some AA meetings.

I didn’t care for the AA meetings –I only went to two. I stayed off the alcohol for about 4 or 5 months. We went on a vacation-discussed the alcohol issue and both decided that I really wasn’t an alcoholic-just was going through some rough things in my life (tired of my job, had been robbed at gunpoint, etc); just a phase. So, I started drinking again.

I drank responsibly for a while, we then moved, I got bored and would hit it earlier and earlier in the day. I got caught, I quit for another 8 or 9 months, we would discuss it come to the conclusion that I wasn’t an alcoholic-just another phase and would start again.

This happened about 5 or 6 times over a 15 year period. The last three and a half years I took it to a new level. I would hide big cups of alcohol in a couple of different spots in the house so I had easy access, whatever I was doing. I would weigh down the box of wine with bags of rice just in case John happened to check the box before I could get to the store to replace it. People who aren’t alcoholics don’t do things like that. I would tell myself I’ll quit the binging next week, or on the first of the month, or after my birthday, or while prepping for the figure comp. Sometimes I did quit for a few days-even a week. But then, for whatever reason, would give into the craving again.

When John caught me 2 weeks ago today, I knew this time was the last time no matter what; even if we didn’t stay together, though I’m grateful and thankful that we did stay together. I felt-feel-that I was ready to finally quit for good. I feel it deep inside of me. This time is definitely different where as in the past I never really told anyone else that I was an alcoholic; I would just say I’m taking a break from drinking. This time I’ve done heaps of research, I am reading and writing blogs about it, and attending AA meetings. I am no longer “in the closet”. I know this time is different.

I know I am an alcoholic. I know that I can never drink again or I will end up on that merry-go round again. I know this at my very core.

So, there you go!
Have a great day! I will because today I will not drink!